|Above: The ancient technology of VHS|
|Judge Dredd sports the latest in Megacity body armour.|
For those that don't know, Sylvester Stallone is a one-time soft porn actor with a face that may or may not be melting. You may recognise him from such poignant and artistic masterpieces as Rambo III, the Lords of Flatbrush (according to Wikipedia this is a film) and Spy Kids 3D: The Game is Over. He is joined in this big screen adventure by none other than the previously mentioned Rob Schneider, a man who somehow is paid to be in films, but no-one quite knows why (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rob_Schneider#Criticism_and_controversies), and even more bizarrely, is more searched for than Robb Stark on Google. Now, you'd think this film, with its cast of a man who can't move his face and a comic who to my knowledge, has never made anyone laugh, would be a recipe for disaster.
|Much like The Human Centipede, once|
you've seen it, you can
never forget it.
Dredd is arrested. It's all good though, because Max von Sydow shows up to help him out but then due to reasons too boring and convoluted to go into Dredd ends up being punished anyway and is dumped in the wastelands. This sets the scene for perhaps the best moment in the entire movie, where Rob Schneider is almost eaten alive by Heshell from the Walking Dead, eagerly helped by his mutant son, who happens to be Spud from Trainspotting. Unfortunately Rob Schneider lives long enough for Dredd to save him, and for the next half hour he persistently refuses to die, despite being shot at, almost burnt alive and somehow surviving a 40 story drop on a motor bike. This is all beside the point though. Plot aside, Dredd goes and kills some baddies, who are trying to frame him using a dead terrorist test tube baby half-brother Dredd once shot and then the movie ends, with Rob Schneider still alive and Dredd reinstated as the most bad-ass of all bad-asses in the year 2150.
|Pictured above: The Maurice Jackhammer anti-Schneiderscope, |
drone out the inane
babbling of the famous SNL comic by simply playing
over him every time he appears on screen! It's as easy as pie!
All in all, you can't watch this film seriously. If you watch it seriously you will probably begin to experience nausea and migraines and your mental health may be in jeopardy. However, if you go into this movie without an open mind, know nothing about the Dredd mythology, and make sure to use a patented anti-Rob Schneider device (such as the one pictured right), then you have no right to ... judge this film.
Maurice Jackhammer Investigates: 7.5/10